Why are people such dicks?

 

 

by Stacy Riedel

I'm honestly not in a bad mood. It's the Thursday before a Friday off from the ol' day job, a veritable deja vu weekend where it's long enough you can't remember what happened when, and it all mushes together into a story you tell on Monday to your coworkers while peeling sunburned skin from your arm. Holiday weekends rock, man. This is what adults live for.

My problem is not me or my mood or this very inconvenient week I've had. No, those are bearable. What isn't bearable are all these stinking people in my world around me who are constantly trying to fart all over everything that's good. A few cases in point:

I was visiting my local grocer today, and while standing in line I spied a tabloid cover with a collage of celebrities or reality people in their swimsuits with the header telling me that I can look inside for the best and worst beach bodies. There's one noticeably flat and dimply backside that catches my eye. I think to myself, "Please let that belong to an asshole." I squint to read closer, and it's freaking Kate Gosselin, and the caption reads "Kate Plus 8 Pounds." Who is the f*cker who thought it okay to ridicule a woman who's had eight children live in her body and then squeeze out one by one?? Jesus, love her or hate her, have we really come to criticizing the cellulite of a woman who's just happy to even be in a bikini after years of being covered in baby vomit and excess skin? I say kudos to her. Swimsuit season is tough. But you, world? You're a dick about it.

My car broke down last week. It was a rough few days there. The repairs cost me $1200, which is a lot of freaking money. That's 240 meatball subs I could have eaten. Footlongs, people. Well you know me. I sucked it up and said "Crying is for pussies" and trucked on. Whining doesn't produce dollar bills, try as hard as I might. So today I was super psyched to get the car back from the shop, and I all but danced on a magical cloud made of puppies and champagne all day. While grabbing a drink at the water cooler I encountered a coworker who wasn't having the day I was. She asked why I was so gleeful, I told her and her response to me was, "Wow. Isn't it funny that we consider $1200 a necessary expense when there are people in the world who don't see that much money in a year?" Thanks, dear! And thanks for the judgmental look on your face, too. That was the icing on the dick.

In order to get home I have to exit left off the freeway, which is unusual anywhere, and the only exit I can think of that you have to be in the left lane for in Milwaukee. It kind of sneaks up on you, despite there being a million giant signs warning the road ahead of time. I take this exit every day, and just about every day there's a lead-footed prick in that lane wondering why I'm not going 80. I'm not an especially fast driver (see Kati for that) so the 80mphers can be a bit intimidating. I can handle road ragers, I just let them stew in their juices, for soon I will be exiting out of their lives forever and they will be whizzing on down the road and into the back bumper of some other poor driver. Today though, my god, the guy behind me was aggressive as all get out. I was going a good 60, which is way unsafe considering my semi-sharp left turn was coming right up. Didn't matter to this Nissan though. This car literally LEANED on the horn for a solid three seconds, waved his arms around wildly like this was some grave injustice, and sat close enough to my taillights I thought for sure he was going to tap me a la "Dukes of Hazard." I never did get an apology. And now he's somewhere in the world telling his dumb friend what a dick I am. And you know this is the guy at that party you were just at saying he's never in his life gotten a ticket. Capital A-hole.

There are dicks everywhere, unwittingly contributing to this blog. The lady behind the customer service counter at the grocer who couldn't be bothered to answer my "how are you today?" when I approached her for a lottery ticket. The perfect stranger who pet Tater while I was walking her and then said, "I'm sorry, but little dogs are obnoxious." The dump truck who knowingly blocked the road at morning rush hour, despite there being plenty of room to have parked off to the side. The loud Bluetooth guy at the bank who uses curse words to describe his weekend while waiting in line for the next available teller. Why have we all become too cool for courtesy? Too cool for smiling, for Christ's sake?

Anyway, you know who you are. There's nothing I can do about you except look at you disappointingly in the hopes that you don't react violently toward me, because sometimes dicks do that. This is how dumbass dads at little league games wind up beating up other dads over a bad call. Or how girls with low self esteem wind up beating up other girls over some very undeserving boys. It's irrational and embarrassingly stupid, and yet, dicks aplenty, world!

Since this will likely go down as one of history's great documents, I will leave the dicks of the world with the following advice: Take a breath. Slow down. Examine yourself. Perhaps even videotape yourself for a day for one hell of a mind-blowing revelation. And that revelation will be that you are the reason Earth sucks. That's right. It's all you. Now get our their and ruin some lives!